Member #3.1023E of the Procrastinators of the World

Three weeks ago I joined POW (Procrastinators of the World), after twenty years of first rate procrastination. Obviously it is a heralded club whose members have accomplished much in the ways of procrastination. Our official motto, "Procrastinators Unite Tomorrow." It is a loose schedule which bodes well for a day full of procrastination, and I think the fellow members and I enjoy this comfort. For my initiation I was forced to procrastinate against the world's top Procrastinators in a grueling pentathlon. Five events to prove my worthiness amongst the legends. Names such as Sven Quedreneno, Lirazio Pernoderous, Manute Wertasilatezeluous, and who could forget Axilalous Bernardo.

The first event was to avoid waking up in time for work. The judges carefully watched as I lay in bed watching the Simpson's till 4 a.m. I got extra points for utilizing a stick to eject the DVDs and insert new ones and for my candid use of a bottle to urinate as so not to get up. Before going to sleep I simply unplugged the alarm clock and drifted off to sleep. Mission accomplished.

The next was much tougher; I was competing against another hopeful, Jim Shackle of Bum's Shore, ID. The task was to see who could stay in place the longest while watching TV. Easy right, wrong the catch was the remote control was across the room and all that was available to watch was a 24 hour marathon of "The Best of Lifetime." The most painful television known to mankind. Little did Jim know I had once lost my remote control and watched 72 straight hours of Lifetime, before I managed to temporarily blind myself by staring at the sun through an open window. After three minutes and thirty-seven seconds Jim had collapsed off the chair crying, screaming his mother's name. Another victory for me.

The next grueling event is I was given a 750,000 dollar a year job and had to get fired within the first three hours. This was a tough one; I couldn't quit and had to show up. My first day I arrived at 3:47 PM, thirteen minutes till quitting time. The boss didn't like the fact I had came in nothing but my underwear, with the cloth only attached to the elastic band in three places. He didn't like the fact I was reeking of alcohol and especially didn't like the fact I hadn't removed any of my heroin syringes from my arms and legs. I was fired at 3:52 PM, the panel was so impressed more so in my condition, with a dozen heroin needles protruding from my skin. Mission accomplished.

The next mission was to picket outside of a McDonald's against the cruelty to animals for PETA. The goal was to get the PETA supervisors to murder a California Condor. First I took my time painting my sign, spelling every word wrong. After 13 attempts they finally made me one and told me to start chanting. I informed them my arthritic knee was bothering me and needed to slip out for a break. I went inside the back door of McDonald's and inside the air conditioning, and enjoyed myself a Big Mac, two McChickens, and two double cheeseburgers. I kept getting funny looks for my attire which consisted of a hat that said PETA, and a shirt that said, "Save a cow eat Tofu." I then was interviewed by a local news station which happened to be in the vicinity. I told her I was a loyal PETA member and was bringing take out to the rest of my hungry crew. Once outside I rejoined the crew and dispersed the Big Mac's equally and told them I had made them myself with vegetarian style burgers. Showing their natural stupidity they happily indulged in them. I then showed them the pictures taken by the cross eyed hobo, of his murder and plucking on an endangered California Condor. And then his turning the meat into patties which I informed them they were currently eating. They panicked and soon began a man hunt to extinguish the remaining California Condors, and blame it on the Republicans for their pollution. Needless to say I went home and watched Seinfeld reruns and ate Ramon Noodles until it was confirmed that PETA had indeed killed a Condor.

The next goal started at 0430 is and was the most arduous of them all, I simply unplugged my alarm clock and slept until 3:30 in the afternoon. Awaiting me on my machine was congratulation for my entrance into POW. They had said it was all a trick, I just figured fuck it nothing is gonna make me drag my ass out of bed before noon. I then received my membership package seven weeks later. I guess it arrived in three weeks but there was no way in hell I was going to walk the required fifty feet to retrieve the mail.