Member #3.1023E of the Procrastinators of the World

Three weeks ago I joined POW (Procrastinators of the World), after twenty years of first rate procrastination. Obviously it is a heralded club whose members have accomplished much in the ways of procrastination. Our official motto, "Procrastinators Unite Tomorrow." It is a loose schedule which bodes well for a day full of procrastination, and I think the fellow members and I enjoy this comfort. For my initiation I was forced to procrastinate against the world's top Procrastinators in a grueling pentathlon. Five events to prove my worthiness amongst the legends. Names such as Sven Quedreneno, Lirazio Pernoderous, Manute Wertasilatezeluous, and who could forget Axilalous Bernardo.

The first event was to avoid waking up in time for work. The judges carefully watched as I lay in bed watching the Simpson's till 4 a.m. I got extra points for utilizing a stick to eject the DVDs and insert new ones and for my candid use of a bottle to urinate as so not to get up. Before going to sleep I simply unplugged the alarm clock and drifted off to sleep. Mission accomplished.

The next was much tougher; I was competing against another hopeful, Jim Shackle of Bum's Shore, ID. The task was to see who could stay in place the longest while watching TV. Easy right, wrong the catch was the remote control was across the room and all that was available to watch was a 24 hour marathon of "The Best of Lifetime." The most painful television known to mankind. Little did Jim know I had once lost my remote control and watched 72 straight hours of Lifetime, before I managed to temporarily blind myself by staring at the sun through an open window. After three minutes and thirty-seven seconds Jim had collapsed off the chair crying, screaming his mother's name. Another victory for me.

The next grueling event is I was given a 750,000 dollar a year job and had to get fired within the first three hours. This was a tough one; I couldn't quit and had to show up. My first day I arrived at 3:47 PM, thirteen minutes till quitting time. The boss didn't like the fact I had came in nothing but my underwear, with the cloth only attached to the elastic band in three places. He didn't like the fact I was reeking of alcohol and especially didn't like the fact I hadn't removed any of my heroin syringes from my arms and legs. I was fired at 3:52 PM, the panel was so impressed more so in my condition, with a dozen heroin needles protruding from my skin. Mission accomplished.

The next mission was to picket outside of a McDonald's against the cruelty to animals for PETA. The goal was to get the PETA supervisors to murder a California Condor. First I took my time painting my sign, spelling every word wrong. After 13 attempts they finally made me one and told me to start chanting. I informed them my arthritic knee was bothering me and needed to slip out for a break. I went inside the back door of McDonald's and inside the air conditioning, and enjoyed myself a Big Mac, two McChickens, and two double cheeseburgers. I kept getting funny looks for my attire which consisted of a hat that said PETA, and a shirt that said, "Save a cow eat Tofu." I then was interviewed by a local news station which happened to be in the vicinity. I told her I was a loyal PETA member and was bringing take out to the rest of my hungry crew. Once outside I rejoined the crew and dispersed the Big Mac's equally and told them I had made them myself with vegetarian style burgers. Showing their natural stupidity they happily indulged in them. I then showed them the pictures taken by the cross eyed hobo, of his murder and plucking on an endangered California Condor. And then his turning the meat into patties which I informed them they were currently eating. They panicked and soon began a man hunt to extinguish the remaining California Condors, and blame it on the Republicans for their pollution. Needless to say I went home and watched Seinfeld reruns and ate Ramon Noodles until it was confirmed that PETA had indeed killed a Condor.

The next goal started at 0430 is and was the most arduous of them all, I simply unplugged my alarm clock and slept until 3:30 in the afternoon. Awaiting me on my machine was congratulation for my entrance into POW. They had said it was all a trick, I just figured fuck it nothing is gonna make me drag my ass out of bed before noon. I then received my membership package seven weeks later. I guess it arrived in three weeks but there was no way in hell I was going to walk the required fifty feet to retrieve the mail.

Dear Amazon.com Seller

I have an addiction, I purchase used DVDs off of amazon.com through third party sellers. The DVDs are mostly used...mostly, but are a lot cheaper than they would be brand new. But as with all things in life a new problem enters into the fray, does this idiot know how to use the postal system? I recently contacted a few sellers who I purchased items from on the fourth of July. That was 22 days ago, three weeks of waiting. Here is what I typed.

I am still awaiting the arrival of the movie "How High". It is currently outside of the expected time of arrival. If this order has been shipped, when was it shipped, if not please refund my purchase. Thank you.

Here is what I meant to type

You're a lame, worthless waste of space, who should go to Menards and buy the strongest piece of rope you can find and hang yourelf from an awning in patio furniture section. You are the reason we still need guns in this country, I only regret that one hasn't found your fricking head yet and splatter the worthless vile all over, for the rats and cochroaches to feed on. At least then you benefitted somebody.

Or it could be....

It's hard to believe they allow people on the internet who cheated to get their GED, way to exploit the system. Look at you now you sell used DVDs on amazon.com and wait in your car outside the local high school, to check out the high school girls. That's the greatest thing about high school girls you keep getting older and they stay the same age? Please pause the porno and get your lazy ass out of your chair, the closet thing you've had to human contact since you date raped a prostiute, and send me my movie.

Maybe....

Send me my DVD or else... or else what you say? Let's think about this. You are probably late 30s balding, overweight living in an room above two bowling alleys, your wife left you because you're a loser, you are paying child support for the three children you had with her and the four other illegitimate children you've gifted four different women, you probably stole the DVD you won't ship me, and I'd assume you are an alcoholic with a lengthy criminal record. You probably work at a 711 and are forced to call 17 year olds sir, and you spend most of the time sifting through the porno mags on the magazine rack. I assume your family chose your ex over you and no longer contacts you. Your best friend's brain is only partially function, and he's currently in a looney bin on account of his 8 attempted suicides. So or else.... dude just keep it, I pity you so much you can have my hard earned money, invest it in something...or drink it away. Either way you suck. Thanks.

The Church of the Evil Monkey

"And he pointed at Chirs Griffin and said yeay thee shall vacate your time slot on FOX, and pay retribution for you have forsaken him, and sullied his name. Redemption is your will, if you leave this sinful life of which you lead you will be rewarded."- The Evil Monkey

And so began the legacy of The Evil Monkey, he is the one, the primate in which you should follow your life by. Very few people know but in fact The Evil Monkey is actually God's seeing eye monkey. He has been since the beginning of time, and helps God see what is happening in this world. He saw Chris Griffin's corrupt heart and he took away Family Guy from the world because of this. Once Chris, cut back on the hookers, meth, alcohol, and cleansed his soul covered in soot, Family Guy was allowed to resume. The Evil Monkey is the eyes and voice of God, as can be seen in the popular television show he doesn't talk, but he seemed to always be pointing menacingly at Chris. As he explains in the Newest Testiment: This Time It's Personal he is angry but not because he seems to be confined to Chris's closet, its because of the depravation of goodwill and caring people in the world. He is angry because the Bible is now a novelty item which can be aquired at any cheap motel, next to the used condoms in the night stand. He keeps the word "Evil" in the title of his name to distract the faithless, and non believers. In fact it was the Evil Monkey flinging his Poo at Lucifer which drove him to Hell. He set the burning bush on fire, and in fact Moses tripped and dropped the 11th Commandment, which says Thy Monkey shall not be confined to circuses, wearing little hats and smoking cigars, or as slaves to the lazy.
Unlike some would believe, smoking Marijuana is a religious right and actually brings the spirit closer to God. As seen in the popular television series, it is God's will for us to listen to classic rock and roll up a joint. To begin this once in a lifetime religious experience, just open you're heart and mind to the primates which we see as lower than us. The primate is our partner in this quest which is life, and remember the Evil Monkey's sees all and says nothing, he points at the sinners and condemns their actions. If you kill a primate you will be eternally bound to Hell, unless the Evil Monkey forgives you, which is an arduous process in which a sinner shall be purified through a spiritual journey, which may end in the heathen's demise.

"You can fool all the people some of the time, you can fool some of the people all of the time, but you will never fool the Evil Monkey, and if you try feces will be slung into your mouth."

God's Puppy Mill

On the fourth of July, a guy who graduated High-School two years after I did saved a girl's life. How he accomplished this is by removing her from the car before a train turned it into scrap metal. This occured at 3:40 am, and the girl was speeding before she took out a sign, upon hitting the sign she gunned it and managed to get herself stuck on the tracks. He saw this event occur and as any good person would (yes, even me) he stopped and got out of his car and ran to her rescue. When he got up to the car she was bleeding from the head, while she was searching for her cell phone. All this while the cross arms had gone down and a train was bearing down on her. So I pose this question, if you were in the same situation as her what would you have done? You might say she was bleeding from the head, she was confused. Well, she had the cognotive ability to search for her cell phone, and assumed that she would have been able to utilize it. So therefore that leads me to believe she could probably should have seen the lights on the train coming at her, and hopefully processed that she needs to leave the vehicle, but no instead she was pulled from her car while searching for a cell phone.
You see puppy mills eliminate the ugly dogs that nobody wants and leaves us the cute adorable ones which grace the covers of greeting cards and such. My belief is earth is God's Puppy Mill except God doesn't go for looks, he leans more on intelligence, and survivability. I have nothing against the intellectually challenged, I believe they have just as much of a right to live as I do. I just don't want to place my life in their hands. And when you give a 16 year old teenager a license to drive a vehicle capable of massive bodily harm, you are essentially trusting they have the know how and common sense not to hurt anybody. Now when this person is perched in the path of a train and doesn't even attempt to get out. Then they were inable to protect their own life, let alone the lives of everyone else. Maybe two years from now, a family of four is driving down the highway. A happy family with two young children. An oncoming car going 75 miles and hour swerves erratically head on into this families vehicle. The family is killed and it is later discovered that this was the same girl saved on the fourth of July.
Bottom line, if you are incapable of making a decision which your fate is in the balance, especially one in which is as simple as vacating an automobile and getting out of the way, then maybe God wanted it that way. I know it's cruel and sickening to say the life of a 17 year old girl should have ended that night but there's a level of self preservation we all have and to totally lack that is a life or death situation is scary. I'm in the Army, I don't question what my actions will be when my life is on the line. And I sure as hell want the guy on either side of me to want to survive just as I do. If one of them stands up into incoming rounds, then obviously he doesn't have the survival instinct which is required to last. I sure as hell would pull him down, because he's human just as I am. But I am impeding God's Puppy Mill.

And the National League Cy Young Winner is.....

Well I know who it won't be due to the Cubs 37-57 record, but Carlos Zambrano. He was 0-2 in April with a 5.35 ERA. Since then he has only lost one game. His highest ERA since then was this current month which is at 3.81, despite his 4-0 record for the month. He is currently 10-3 with a 3.11 ERA, and 141 Strike Outs. (#1 in the NL) and 76 Walks (#1 in the NL) He has been the one bright spot in the Cub's pitching staff and with a season as rancid as this one has turned out, he's provided the hope of watching something in the train wreck season which sparkles.
In yesterday's 4-1 win over the Astros, Zambrano pitched eight innings of one run baseball, struck out 10 batters and walked 4. He at one point with no outs in the inning walked two consecutive batters, threw a wild pitch advancing them to 2nd and 3rd and preceded to strike out the next two and a harmless grounder got him out of the inning. When asked about his wreckless style he said "When you're in a car and you're the driver, you know what to do," Zambrano said. "You go 100 mph in Venezuela -- you know what to do. The people in the passenger seat can be scared, but the guy who is driving the car is not scared because he's the guy. Same way on the mound -- I know that I have the ball and I know that I have confidence in my pitches. If I locate good pitches, they will not hit the ball."
Carlos Zambrano won't win the Cy Young because he's on a losing team. Right now with the NL Cy Young race is pretty wide open and Zambrano's stats match up with the top contenders, easily. He's won seven straight decisions, and his emotional style of pitching is entertaining to watch and in my mind a welcome change. Its good to see a pitcher on a team 2o games below .500 go out and want to win so bad. Yes his emotions run him into messes sometimes, but at the same time he pitches himself out of messes as well. In a season where Kerry Wood and Mark Prior have been on the DL for the majority of the season, Greg Maddux has collapsed since April, and the rest of the staff has been inconsitent, Zambrano has went out to win and at least since April, he's done just that win.

My Future as Seen by Me

Greetings to all who turned left when you should have turn right. You now are here, in the top left corner the little green arrow pointing back, that'll spare you of my mindless drivel.
I am currently in a place you all know very well, Iraq. Fortunetly for me I chose to join the Nebraska National Gaurd in 2003, and even better yet six months out of basic training, while I was working at WAL-MART I got a call that I would be given an all expense paid, eighteen month vacation to a desert enviroment where the only threats were the thousands of people residing here wanting me dead. Obviously I jumped upon hearing this news, clicked my heels together and celebrated my soon departure from civilization.
(NOTE: I will not distiguish where but within the structure of the above paragraph, I may have used sarcasm.)
I have decided not to go any further into details pertaining to my deployment and instead would try to focus on what clings onto the last few strands of my sanity. I don't want to say anything controversial, and I really don't feel like answering to anything I post so I will avoid the whole Army side of my life. My name is Jason Fleck, I am 20 years old and a resident of Greenwood, NE. I am a SPC in the Nebraska Army National Guard and my contract expires on December 19th, 2009.
Following this deployment I will aspire to being a guitar playing hippy with long, mangly hair and living out of a gym bag I found in a dumpster behind Wendy's where I was subsequently finishing off the expired maynaise that had been thrown away. Note: Fast Food dumpsters are a great source for food with little nutritional value and an extended dumpster life. I figure I'll end up marrying the crazy cat lady. We won't require kids because we'll be blessed the rest of our lives with inbred cats running around the house. I figure I can catch some quality catfish off the kittens who didn't survive.
All in all my life will be alright, I figure I'll run around and scare little kids at Halloween, steal their candy and resell it to them. For Christmas I'll do the Salvation Army thing infront of a Wal-Mart, only I'll keep the money for myself so I can afford flea collars for all Ma and I's precious babies. I see long nights at the horse track looking for discarded winners, and begging dunks coming out of bars for money. I will of course make myself a sign saying "Army Veteran" while I'm begging for change. Hey I might even play my guitar for money, if I can clean all the cat shit out of it. Overall I see a bright future for myself.
I'll die at the age of 46. I will have fallen in a dumpster behind a sea food restrauraunt while searching for food for Ma and the young uns'. I figure I'll fall in and some 19 year old zit faced loser will poor fish guts all over me. Upon returning to the two room Shack me and the Missus reiside in I will be mauled by an army of hungry cats. I will be buried behind the shack and relocated six times on account of them damn coyotes that keep digging me up. Finally I'll be stripped to the bones and my body will be laid to rest right outside a sewage treatment center. I can't see a more rewarding, serviceable future for myself.